There are people all over the world achieving amazing, unbelievable things every minute. Doctors, firemen, police, scientists, presidents all work so hard at what they do everyday. Most children imagine themselves being one of these miraculous beings and find some will to push themselves to do it. I often find myself wondering what made them work so hard every second of their lives and why I had not obtained whatever it was I was missing to do so. I could not figure out why I had never really tried to do anything with such determination.
Maybe it's my motivation at fault. Not my motivation but rather my lack of it. Everywhere I look I cannot find this magical solution that makes people push themselves until they have nowhere else to go. What drives them to make themselves the best and why can't I have that? Even when I want or need to do something I just never find it in myself to do anything about it. Whether it is for school or for myself I have no internal drive to force myself into doing what is best for me. I never inherited the gene that enables a person to remind him or herself to do something and when to do it. Even if I tell myself throughout the day of an appointment, when the time comes I find myself doing something completely different or it being too late to do anything about it.
Maybe I have yet to find my internal calling. Could it be possible for a being to not have interest in anything at all? Perhaps it's my mellow dramatic attitude. My vision of situations could be what leaves me doomed from the start. I might have just given up on everything. 20 years old and already given up hope on whatever the world holds. Maybe I was disappointed from the start. Sometimes I think I am just plain and simple lazy. But what does that even mean? What is the difference between laziness, no motivation and giving up? I don't understand how I can be stuck in the years that everyone praises so gloriously as the best years of your life. I can't vision myself looking back at how hard it was to be continuously sick and constantly fatigued as a good year. Nor can I imagine being internally distressed about some idea of what the future is as fun.
Maybe it's my motivation at fault. Not my motivation but rather my lack of it. Everywhere I look I cannot find this magical solution that makes people push themselves until they have nowhere else to go. What drives them to make themselves the best and why can't I have that? Even when I want or need to do something I just never find it in myself to do anything about it. Whether it is for school or for myself I have no internal drive to force myself into doing what is best for me. I never inherited the gene that enables a person to remind him or herself to do something and when to do it. Even if I tell myself throughout the day of an appointment, when the time comes I find myself doing something completely different or it being too late to do anything about it.
Maybe I have yet to find my internal calling. Could it be possible for a being to not have interest in anything at all? Perhaps it's my mellow dramatic attitude. My vision of situations could be what leaves me doomed from the start. I might have just given up on everything. 20 years old and already given up hope on whatever the world holds. Maybe I was disappointed from the start. Sometimes I think I am just plain and simple lazy. But what does that even mean? What is the difference between laziness, no motivation and giving up? I don't understand how I can be stuck in the years that everyone praises so gloriously as the best years of your life. I can't vision myself looking back at how hard it was to be continuously sick and constantly fatigued as a good year. Nor can I imagine being internally distressed about some idea of what the future is as fun.
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